Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't mind.
Just because I don'y cry doesn't mean I'm not upset.
Just because I smile doesn't mean I'm happy.
"It's not what I didnt feel, it's what I didn't show." - misery, maroon 5.
I have a love hate feeling towards being alone. I used to think it doesn't matter to me cause I am born a loner. If I weren't born with my friends, I really doubt I will ever make any close friends throughout my 18 years of living. You may see me as a socialable person and is probably 'well known' (thats what people kept telling me which I refuse to think so) on the internet but behind the screen hides an introvert girl who doesn't have much friends. Ok, to correct this, I do have friends. Friends that I only talk to online, hi bye friends.. And please remember this, coursemates are not friends. Coursemates are just people who you know who happen to be studying the same thing by the same lecturer in the same room as you. You smile and occasionally say hi. But you're certainly not friends because friends are people who do stuff together.
If you follow me on Twitter(@felindabling), I'm sure you saw my recent tweets about hating singapore. Not that I really hate singapore. Is just that I hate coming back here cause now that I'm staying here alone (minus landlord & roommate, they are not my family duh). I really felt alone. Many nights I look at the sky and thought, we're not far, we're all under the same sky, I'm going back on Friday. It's not that tough. You're not alone. You're missed at home. And as I'm typing this my tears are falling on my screen cause I know it's stupid. I mean, it's only Singapore. Home is only a river away please. But you know what? The pain of leaving home every week is tough. I think I would rather go KL and face this pain every month or so than every week. Maybe at least I could tell myself it's because it's so far. But SG is really so near, yet so far. I'm so homesick right now. I miss home. I miss my mom.
You know what? Last sunday, I cried thinking of coming back here (I'm in SG now). Like, my family members are having dinner and I'm upstairs alone getting ready to come back. I was the first to finish my food and mom asked me if I wanna go back SG now. The first thought that came into my mind was that, why? Why are you chasing me away from being at home? You all havent even finish your food you already cant wait for me to go away?? I must admit that I was quite emotional recently. Tiny things are able to make me cry. I never used to cry so easily. I don't know why, things seemed to have changed.
Anyway, back to topic. I hate school. I hate going to school. I used to hate high school but now I wish I'm back. At least then, I had CY, WS and Sara. They are my real friends who actually do stuff with me and talk to me and we share secrets and talked about almost everything and we're always together. Ok maybe not Sara but we're always happy to see each other and talked non stop despite the age difference. Right now, I'm truly alone. I don't have anyone. The people who used to be my friends, who I used to always hang out and talk and laugh and do assignments together are gone. I tried mixing into their topics but now all I am is a tagalong. Cause the thumb may be a part of the palm but it is not a finger. I'm the thumb. Many times I am walking behind them not knowing what's the joke, what are they doing after school, how are their assignments going, what are they talking about, where are they shopping, where are they working, which girl are they gossiping about, who is whose eye candy now. I tried keeping up with them and I guess they are probably just too kind to chase me away cause mostly they'd tell me a little and then go ahead talking among themselves again. They don't even mind if I don't follow them around. They left me alone in studio not telling me they went to the toilet or canteen. What is worse is I can't even mix with my roommate who is also my classmate cause I don't get their topic too. I'm just, alone. I thought I would never admit this but it actually hurts to see the people whom you thought are you close friends and will always be until we graduate, leaving you out of the everything that they are doing.
And he will never understand how I feel cause he is really socialable and has many friends cause he is able to talk to almost everyone about everything. Yet, he is always telling me he hasn't any friends. He should be in my place for a day to see how is it like to be me. But it only makes us quarrel if we ever talk about this.
Also, this course didn't turn out as fun as I used to think it was. We've starting using computer programmes and me, being a total noob at computers is having a hard time. I'm so tired. So alone. But however everything is being, this is life and I just gotta accept it. Friends or no friends. Alone or not. I just wanna pass this 3 years ASAP and then get to do what I want. Be it air stewardess, make up artist, ceramist or lady boss of my own shop. Not as if I dream to because an interior designer. At least not now. I'm just aiming for pass and survival.
Thanks for reading.
May you have a goodnight sleep.
God bless you.
BTW, have I mentioned that I recently just set up an online store on facebook (www.facebook.com/fashionblingonline) and will be receiving orders starting from 31st of Oct which is this Thursday? I'm sure I haven't yet. So please if you're from Malaysia, please come and support me by clicking like, sharing to your friends or ordering from me. Meet ups are available in JB (Johor Bahru) so you can save on your postal fees (;