《冷靜》
有時候你也不明白，
自己為甚麼能夠這麼冷靜。
明明，他與你約定在幾點鐘見面，
結果他遲到甚至失約，
但你還是可以輕易原諒他，
即使他連一個解釋或道歉都欠奉。
明明，你們都已經有一個星期沒見了，
而你還不能知道下一次見面的日期，
但你還可以裝作沒事般，
自己去找節目，自己學習一個人。
明明，他有時間在線去回覆別人的短訊，
而他偏偏沒有回覆過你一句，
但你仍會幫他找理由，他只是在忙，
他不是忘了你，他還是有在乎自己，
不要再勉強去等或要求，他的回覆。
明明，他有意無意讓你發現，
與別的異性有過曖昧，
有過一些，連你也沒有得到的親密與體貼，
但你卻不會因此而太生氣，
可能更會笑著跟他談論那個不認識的第三者，
替他分析對方的想法，要怎麼做才可以討好到對方。
明明，他一再無視你的感受，
忽略你的需要，沒有尊重和珍惜你，
但你卻會對朋友笑說，
其實他是一個好人，他也有對自己好的時候，
你不想讓他有太多煩惱，不想他太難為。
明明，他的謊言越說越多，
越來越容易被你揭穿，
但你，不再會因此而向他質詢，
不會表現生氣、不會要求解釋、不會去問真相，
甚至連暗地去測試他是否真的說謊，也不會去做，
你只會讓自己不去多想，睡一場覺，
第二天，也許就會忘記了，
也許，就不會再難受 ......
其實你知道，自己不是真的冷靜，
你只是讓自己的感受壓抑或隱藏起來，
不想讓自己的情緒太過被影響，
不要一次又一次，因為那些意料之外的真相，
因為那些過份殘酷的事實，
再次崩潰、受傷、痛心、流淚。
其實你還記得，
那一次因為他忘記了你的承諾，
你本來的太多期望，一點一點轉化成絕望，
逐分逐秒折騰你的堅持，
最後你還是一個人面對，被徹底無視的冰冷滋味。
其實你還害怕，
自己每天每夜忍不住看對方的上線時間，
看了一天、兩天、三天、一星期、兩星期，
而他始終沒有理會你，
而你一天又一天的渡日如年。
其實你不想，再一次哭崩於對方面前，
你得到於事無補的安慰，
然後下一次，他又故態復萌，
然後有天你終於會學懂，
甚麼是哭不出來的痛。
其實 ......
你知道這不完全是因為愛，
不完全是堅持，也不是偉大，
不是完全的不求回報，
你或許會期望，
有天能夠奇蹟地感動到對方，
有天能夠再次得到，對方的重視與尊敬；
只是如今，那些溫柔那些快樂那些幸福，
都已經在逐漸遠去，
你手上還捉得緊的，已尚餘不多，
有天也終會失去 ......
即使你是不甘心，即使你其實不想這樣結束，
但，你又會想，
都已經付出了這麼多，
也不介意再，堅持多一會兒；
你寧願讓自己閉上雙眼，
裝作看不見對方的壞與缺點，
甚至裝作，自己仍然在夢裡沒有醒來，
讓自己可以繼續去相信，
對方與自己也一樣，
一直為這段關係盡力到最後，
大家心裡面就只有對方一個人，
你仍然可以擁有，他偶爾贈予你的溫暖 ......
即使如今，
你只可以用冷靜來面對身邊的冰冷，
其實你不想自己這麼冷靜，
只是你忘記了，兩個人真心相對時的那種熱度；
是不應該再委屈下去的，
但你說，你不想後悔 ......
但你早已放棄了，自己的底線。
CR: Facebook - Middle
Showing posts with label Unlabelled. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Unlabelled. Show all posts
May 21, 2014
Jan 25, 2014
Zombie
Before anything else, I've been addicted to this song since last week.
... ... Hang on. It's only 2 more years. After this, you'll get the diploma and be able to do what you like.
That's what they say.
Just 2 years.
ONLY 2 years.
Hang on.
Stay strong.
They say.
Of course, they are not the one going through this process.
They are not the one studying.
They are not the one doing the work.
They only have give sympathy and to say "hang on".
They don't know any shit I'm going through and feeling now.
They don't know how I felt being in this course.
They don't know how tough everything is for me.
They don't know how idiotic I felt whenever I don't understand my work.
Design school isn't as fun as you all think.
It's hell in a pretty package.
They say there is no right or wrong but when you present your work,
"Hmm, I think this is not quite right."
"What the hell are you doing, what is this?"
All the hard work, after you done your work you just want the lecturer to take a look at your work and give some comment whether it is or not close to what they ask for.
Do they? No. They cannot be bothered to look at your work because there are simply too many students and too many work to look at.
I don't know what am I doing. I seriously don't.
And as the perfectionist I am, I would really like to understand what I am doing and make it perfect.
The best way I thought it should be, at least.
But no, starting from Sem2. I have no clue what am I doing the entire time and what is the purpose of it. All except for 3Ds MAX and Autocad. Others, really. WHAT AM I DOING? Ok, model making was still quite acceptable when we were asked to build a model of our own version of 'howl's moving castle', In fact, I liked it.No, I loved it. I love this project. I was able to do things according to my own imagination (I have the wildest, you never know) I could draw anything I like on the 50x50cm idea paper. It was all my own. Mine. My thinking, my ideas, it presented me. Ok, shall not go too far about that for now. Anyway, we were now asked to make an AUTOMATA project for model making. Really? Automata? Isn't that what engineers need to know? Is that really necessary for me to know? Hello? INTERIOR DESIGN. DUDE.
NEVERMIND. Move on to studio work. Which I, too, don't know what is going on. At all.
We were first asked to present our glamour self. To take a full body shot of us in clothing that we think is glamourous, at a place, with a pose that we think is glamourous. In black and white. Then, we were to take a mug shot/selfie of ourselves to represent glamour in our own way. Then to take another glamourous shot at a glamourous place.THEN, make a glamour stage. End. 2nd, flip book. 100 pages of a flip book to be made into a video. In a week, mind you. I made them all in a night because I had too many other work to do other than studio work. You can say it's because of my time management, I will not argue with that. WHAT. I need a social life and sleep too. Lastly. A looooong final project for final year submission was this...
It all started with 72 wooden sticks...
We were told to fix them into 6 cube frames. So some people nailed, some taped, some stapled, some tied. Then we were scolded and told to nail them. (excuse e, you never said it HAD to be nailed, you only said to FIX THEM TOGETHER) Fine, nevermind. Ok, we'll nail them. Then we were told to dismantle them and to join 2 of them together so that we can have 3 pair of cubes, nailed firmly together. So firm they can dance the lion dance with it. After that, we were asked to dismantle them again. To fix all 6 of them together to form interesting spaces in between for a grade. Next, we were to stick stupid butter papers (not the baking ones okay) on them to form a plateform and spaces. SPACES SPACES SPACES. I do not wonder why is he still single at the age of 40. My lecturer, I mean. Then, we were to extract the spaces out to form 10 spaces outside of the cubes with cardboards. Then stick the 10 cardboard spaces into a structure whereas there are no base for it, which means can be turned around and still look fine. Then to make 2 sections drawing for it with autocad in 1:50scale. AND to describe the character given and draw the character out in 1:50scale. IDK what is coming next. I dont wanna think.
Ah, other than that, autocad (which was probably the most useful thing I learnt, i'm not complaining about it being irrelevant). AUTOCAD IS A BITCH. Ok, 3Ds MAX is a bigger bitch. It's so hard and being me, i suck at computer stuff and made a mess and got the lecturer pissed off to the point when he looked at my drawings he told me, "go away, I dont wanna see you anymore." But after that he was fine again and asked me if I am okay. NO I AM NOT OKAY I WANNA QUIT SCHOOL EVERYTHING'S A BITCH.
Ergonomics, I don't understand what is the need for this and also to have a freaking close book test. Typography homework isn't as easy as well. What else, oh yes. COLOUR STUDIES. What is colour studies without colour? You tell me. If you saw the photo I posted on instagram with the caption saying I wanna quit school, yes. That is colour studies. I HATE COLOUR STUDIES. We don't freaking study a shit about colours. It's just about spaces spaces and more spaces. It's all crap and shit.
I'm sorry I'm making such a huge rant over here and messy up my pretty posts. I just can't help it.
I've been bottling everything up inside of me for too long I think I might just burst anytime. I can't stand all these anymore. Every single day I ask myself, why do I bother trying so hard to please the lecturers with my work? My parents don't actually expect me to be the top student and be excellent in my studies, all they ask for it the freaking paper (diploma cert)! So why am I bothering? But me being me, I'm always expecting the best. To do my best. And it really really really bothers me that I cannot do my best because I DONT UNDERSTAND. I'm scared I'm lost I don't know what my future holds. They say pray, but I don't see any changes. I'm .....................................
I don't even know what to say anymore. I cant express myself well. Maybe that's why they thought I can handle all these. 2 more years, they said. 2 more years. Until I am able to do what I'm really interested in. What I really wanted to do but wasn't allowed to because it doesn't give me a stable job. FUCK ALL THIS SHIT. I am not gonna be an interior designer too, when I finished studying. You know that. You knew I wanted to be a make up artist. You told me I could after I graduate. You only wanted that freaking diploma. So why can't I get a diploma in what I like? Fine arts.
It's killing me inside. It really is.I'm turning into a zombie. I don't feel anything. Ok, maybe except for frustration and stupidity.I felt like hiding, running away to somewhere no one could find me. You can call me coward for running away from troubles. But if you were me, maybe you could understand. Maybe.
... ... Hang on. It's only 2 more years. After this, you'll get the diploma and be able to do what you like.
That's what they say.
Just 2 years.
ONLY 2 years.
Hang on.
Stay strong.
They say.
Of course, they are not the one going through this process.
They are not the one studying.
They are not the one doing the work.
They only have give sympathy and to say "hang on".
They don't know any shit I'm going through and feeling now.
They don't know how I felt being in this course.
They don't know how tough everything is for me.
They don't know how idiotic I felt whenever I don't understand my work.
Design school isn't as fun as you all think.
It's hell in a pretty package.
They say there is no right or wrong but when you present your work,
"Hmm, I think this is not quite right."
"What the hell are you doing, what is this?"
All the hard work, after you done your work you just want the lecturer to take a look at your work and give some comment whether it is or not close to what they ask for.
Do they? No. They cannot be bothered to look at your work because there are simply too many students and too many work to look at.
I don't know what am I doing. I seriously don't.
And as the perfectionist I am, I would really like to understand what I am doing and make it perfect.
The best way I thought it should be, at least.
But no, starting from Sem2. I have no clue what am I doing the entire time and what is the purpose of it. All except for 3Ds MAX and Autocad. Others, really. WHAT AM I DOING? Ok, model making was still quite acceptable when we were asked to build a model of our own version of 'howl's moving castle', In fact, I liked it.No, I loved it. I love this project. I was able to do things according to my own imagination (I have the wildest, you never know) I could draw anything I like on the 50x50cm idea paper. It was all my own. Mine. My thinking, my ideas, it presented me. Ok, shall not go too far about that for now. Anyway, we were now asked to make an AUTOMATA project for model making. Really? Automata? Isn't that what engineers need to know? Is that really necessary for me to know? Hello? INTERIOR DESIGN. DUDE.
NEVERMIND. Move on to studio work. Which I, too, don't know what is going on. At all.
We were first asked to present our glamour self. To take a full body shot of us in clothing that we think is glamourous, at a place, with a pose that we think is glamourous. In black and white. Then, we were to take a mug shot/selfie of ourselves to represent glamour in our own way. Then to take another glamourous shot at a glamourous place.THEN, make a glamour stage. End. 2nd, flip book. 100 pages of a flip book to be made into a video. In a week, mind you. I made them all in a night because I had too many other work to do other than studio work. You can say it's because of my time management, I will not argue with that. WHAT. I need a social life and sleep too. Lastly. A looooong final project for final year submission was this...
It all started with 72 wooden sticks...
We were told to fix them into 6 cube frames. So some people nailed, some taped, some stapled, some tied. Then we were scolded and told to nail them. (excuse e, you never said it HAD to be nailed, you only said to FIX THEM TOGETHER) Fine, nevermind. Ok, we'll nail them. Then we were told to dismantle them and to join 2 of them together so that we can have 3 pair of cubes, nailed firmly together. So firm they can dance the lion dance with it. After that, we were asked to dismantle them again. To fix all 6 of them together to form interesting spaces in between for a grade. Next, we were to stick stupid butter papers (not the baking ones okay) on them to form a plateform and spaces. SPACES SPACES SPACES. I do not wonder why is he still single at the age of 40. My lecturer, I mean. Then, we were to extract the spaces out to form 10 spaces outside of the cubes with cardboards. Then stick the 10 cardboard spaces into a structure whereas there are no base for it, which means can be turned around and still look fine. Then to make 2 sections drawing for it with autocad in 1:50scale. AND to describe the character given and draw the character out in 1:50scale. IDK what is coming next. I dont wanna think.
Ah, other than that, autocad (which was probably the most useful thing I learnt, i'm not complaining about it being irrelevant). AUTOCAD IS A BITCH. Ok, 3Ds MAX is a bigger bitch. It's so hard and being me, i suck at computer stuff and made a mess and got the lecturer pissed off to the point when he looked at my drawings he told me, "go away, I dont wanna see you anymore." But after that he was fine again and asked me if I am okay. NO I AM NOT OKAY I WANNA QUIT SCHOOL EVERYTHING'S A BITCH.
Ergonomics, I don't understand what is the need for this and also to have a freaking close book test. Typography homework isn't as easy as well. What else, oh yes. COLOUR STUDIES. What is colour studies without colour? You tell me. If you saw the photo I posted on instagram with the caption saying I wanna quit school, yes. That is colour studies. I HATE COLOUR STUDIES. We don't freaking study a shit about colours. It's just about spaces spaces and more spaces. It's all crap and shit.
I'm sorry I'm making such a huge rant over here and messy up my pretty posts. I just can't help it.
I've been bottling everything up inside of me for too long I think I might just burst anytime. I can't stand all these anymore. Every single day I ask myself, why do I bother trying so hard to please the lecturers with my work? My parents don't actually expect me to be the top student and be excellent in my studies, all they ask for it the freaking paper (diploma cert)! So why am I bothering? But me being me, I'm always expecting the best. To do my best. And it really really really bothers me that I cannot do my best because I DONT UNDERSTAND. I'm scared I'm lost I don't know what my future holds. They say pray, but I don't see any changes. I'm .....................................
I don't even know what to say anymore. I cant express myself well. Maybe that's why they thought I can handle all these. 2 more years, they said. 2 more years. Until I am able to do what I'm really interested in. What I really wanted to do but wasn't allowed to because it doesn't give me a stable job. FUCK ALL THIS SHIT. I am not gonna be an interior designer too, when I finished studying. You know that. You knew I wanted to be a make up artist. You told me I could after I graduate. You only wanted that freaking diploma. So why can't I get a diploma in what I like? Fine arts.
It's killing me inside. It really is.I'm turning into a zombie. I don't feel anything. Ok, maybe except for frustration and stupidity.I felt like hiding, running away to somewhere no one could find me. You can call me coward for running away from troubles. But if you were me, maybe you could understand. Maybe.
Aug 1, 2013
Dilemma
So many dilemmas I had,
Pizza or pasta?
Soba or udon?
White or black heels?
Wake up in the middle of the night to pee or wait til morning?
Jeans or shorts?
Left or right?
Sandals or slippers?
Red or blue?
Pizza hut or Dominos?
Apple or Android?
Do studio work first or model making?
Sleep or watch tv?
And the worst case of a dilemma is choosing between obeying your momma or to break your own heart...
Pizza or pasta?
Soba or udon?
White or black heels?
Wake up in the middle of the night to pee or wait til morning?
Jeans or shorts?
Left or right?
Sandals or slippers?
Red or blue?
Pizza hut or Dominos?
Apple or Android?
Do studio work first or model making?
Sleep or watch tv?
And the worst case of a dilemma is choosing between obeying your momma or to break your own heart...
Jul 25, 2013
Blues
Sorry for not updating this space for awhile. Trust me, I haven't forgotten here. Things has been a little rough for me recently and has no mood to blog, or do my work properly. Or do anything properly, most of the time I just feel like a walking zombie and I just wanna sleep. Or if I'm in school I just wanna laugh and forget all my worries and troubles. Above all, I'm still fine and trying to cope being alone in sg without my family and my beloved, warm and safe bed...
Also, I've been a little self conscious and having low self esteem on my looks recently. I think Imma start applying make up for cover up that pale, dark eye ringed, tired face of mine. Time to buy some eyelashes, I wanna have pretty, big eyes like those japanese girls. I wanna start looking pretty like a doll. Like, dakota koti.
And, this Joy ah, tempted me with her $25(?) victoria secret set of fragrance. Dunno when are we going to do our eyebrows.
Cant wait for nothing-to-do holidays to come.
BTW, CY's coming back tmw!
Also, I've been a little self conscious and having low self esteem on my looks recently. I think Imma start applying make up for cover up that pale, dark eye ringed, tired face of mine. Time to buy some eyelashes, I wanna have pretty, big eyes like those japanese girls. I wanna start looking pretty like a doll. Like, dakota koti.
And, this Joy ah, tempted me with her $25(?) victoria secret set of fragrance. Dunno when are we going to do our eyebrows.
Cant wait for nothing-to-do holidays to come.
BTW, CY's coming back tmw!
May 31, 2013
Speechless
Apr 15, 2013
1st Day Of School
OMG OMG OMG. First day of school!
Hoping it would be good.
Going to the clinic to get my medical report & then going to TF CG for the first time as well!
Ahhh. God bless me. And you, the one who is reading this.xx
Apr 11, 2013
#NYPSDN2013
I say swag, you say check (;
--------------
Helloooooo.
Just came back from Nanyang Polytechnic School of Design Freshmen Orientation (phew, what a mouthful).
Woke up at freaking 5.45am today cause I have to reach by 9am.
Sadly, this will be the time that I need to wake up and maybe ever earlier everyday starting from next Monday.
And yes, it's confirmed. Finally confirmed, that I will be studying Space & Interior Design (SID) in Nanyang Poly! (: I got the offer letter on 8th April & I'm reporting on first day of school on 15th April. Mad rush I tell you (next time).
Anyway, the orientation was fine. Better than I thought it would be. I got friends and I wasn't late.
More details in next post cause I'm very sleepy nao! hehe.
Goodnight (;
xoxo
PS: follow me on instagram, twitter & nuffnangx @felindabling !!!
Apr 4, 2013
Reasons I Have Not Been Updating Much
Before anything else, here is a nice selca of me.
I know I have been posting a lot of crap posts recently.
I know I have been giving a lot of excuses for not updating this space.
I also know that people still visit my blog everyday.
For that I thank you all.
And I apologize for giving crap posts.
First of all, I'm not lazy. I'm busy. For real.
I know no one is complaining but I feel oblige to blog sometimes.
To keep this space alive.
To keep my readers.
I don't know. I don't even feel like typing these. It's long crap. I don't know who bothers reading these words cause most people tend to scroll down and ignore these words and go straight to pictures.
Secondly, I haven't been going out. All I do was to stay at home. Checking for schools. Emailing. Contacting schools. Camping on NYP, NP and SP's website. Calculating budgets.Mope at home feeling sorry for myself.
----------------------
(This content isn't really fitting into my title anymore but I cannot be bothered to think of another title.)
Yes, I'm gonna rant again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait, I don't even know how to start or where to start...
I'm .. I'm .. I'm stuck with this word for so long. I don't even know what I feel now.
Tired? Upset? Disappointed? Complicated? Lost?
I think I feel lost. I don't know where to go. I used to be so sure. I was so sure I will be able to enter SME and become a trainee. I was so sure I will get into SIM and study business. I was so sure I will get into poly and study mass comm. I was so sure I will get into Lasalle and study product design. But right now. I don't know. I really don't.
My results was one of the reasons I've been feeling depressed. I knew I wasn't great at studies. I knew I wouldn't get more than 5 As because even during normal exams, I only got 1 or 2 A(s). That was why I only targeted for 3As. But I never even got 3As. Yes, I only got 2As. 1A+ for English and 1A for Mathematics. Go ahead. Go ahead and be shocked. Go ahead and laugh. Go ahead and think: omg qw I thought you study in SSI should be quite smart? How come only 2A? Don't lie la. Huh? 2 only? I thought your studies quite good one? Eh SSI leh, don't lie la, only 2As.
YES. 1A+1A2B+2B3C. OK, HAPPY???
Please, I NEVER claimed to be smart or my studies were good. I have always always told you all, not all SSI students are smart. Why you all don't believe? Why must you all be like this? Dah lah I'm already upset that I never even got 3As then you all just HAVE TO say such things. Also, what are my results got anything to do with you or not? HUH? Why so kepoh? Kepoh already still be so mean and say such things. You think I like it is it? You think I don't feel embarrassed enough? I already felt bad for getting such results. I feel like I failed my parents and school.
Yes, I was never good at science subjects or history. I already said this so many times I don't understand why there are still people who would think I am good in these subjects. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO ASSUMES.
Actually I don't know why am I even telling you all these. I don't think you guys can understand how I felt.
---------------------
I have been looking for schools since I decided to take design courses.
I've been searching for the course I am interested in. Asking people for their opinions. Hearing 'advice' from people who 'knows better' that would pour wet blanket on me for choosing design. "You science student leh, why you take design?" or "you can draw one meh?" Then they will start telling me about design students who graduated and cannot find any jobs and in the end also became clerk or promoter or whatever jobs that has nothing to do with design.
But I didn't care. Cause if I become success, they are nothing to me and I could even say "PAH, IN. YOUR. FACE. Look who has a nice job that she loves now?"
So I went along and applied to enter Lasalle and NP, NYP & SP just in case.
Then we realized we had a problem.
The fees are waaaaaay too high without TG. And TG ain't easy to get, for international students.
I see my daddy struggle for the fees and I feel damn bad.
I'm not a studying type and yet he wants me to study.
I wanted Lasalle and he has to find ways to get money for me.
Lemme rephrase and tell the story properly. (a lot of 'thens')
At first I didn't know what to study and my dad told me to study SPTM or A LEVELS. But I didn't want to because I hate studying. Then he suggested business, since I'm still unsure of what I want to be. Then I realized that if I were to study about business, I would have to study about accounting too, which I hate to the core because balancing the numbers always makes me feel like I'm gonna puke. SO, I refused and said I don't want it. Then my mother suggested mass communications because it has some links to working with tv producing stuff like being a producer or even an artiste. Everyone was fine with this except my dad who was unsure of this and still hopes me me to study business. My sisters even helped me to look for schools in singapore and explained what I needed to find out about to apply. I went for edu fairs and search for allll the schools in Malaysia that has mass comm. Then discussed with my sisters, which school is the best. Then, I realized that being a mass comm students require me to be more outspoken and talk to a lot of strangers which is a really hard task for me. I cannot. I simply cannot talk to strangers. I don't care if the situation is awkward or not. No, just don't talk to me. You ask a question, I reply your question and say no more. For example, "Hey, the weather is nice isn't it? It's a nice day to swim right? Do you like swimming?" ME: "No, I cant swim." "Oh, you should learn, in case of emergency." ME: "Ok" conversation ends. Well, I don't know. I just dont feel comfortable if some strangers try to be chummy with me. I feel disgusted. Maybe that why I don't have much friends. Maybe they feel like I am too proud to be their friends. Ok I'm side tracking to the next topic. SO. When I decided to study design, my dad wasn't really keen on it and told me my life would be really tough after I graduated and I will have not enough money and all those negative stuff. So I sorta forget about the idea and decided maybe I don't wanna go to college anymore. I wanna take up make up/hair/manicure courses and then just work. I went to evouge and some other manicure shops and asked about the course fees. I told my dad about it and I think he objected strongly saying I must go to a college (is it really THAT important?). But I think this decision kinda affected him because eventually he told me I would study anything I want, mass comm or business or design. As long as I get a diploma. So thats the story of how I got to study design.
The rant doesn't end here. It only started.
I had to check all the schools that has design courses, my 1st, 2nd, 3rd choice of course, check out the fees and TG, bank loans, how to pay, when to pay, interest rate, living fees, accommodation fees, traveling fees.
You may think its easy but trust me it's not. Because these stupid schools love to play hide and seek with me. They don't display everything, you have to google and google and google for an answer : online application form. FUCKING HARD TO FIND I TELL YOU. TMD. They don't put it in the website, I forgotten how by now but it's all quite complicated and troublesome I got so mad I wanted to call them and scold them.
Also, I didn't know which bank to find, they are not replying my emails. I don't know what are they doing. AND I FUCKING HATE PHONE CALLS CAUSE ITS MAD AWKWARD. I get tongue tied whenever I speak on the phone. Which is why I never order food delivery if my parents are not with me. I never call taxi as well, I rather walk and look for one.
After getting all the answers, we realized we don't have enough money. I know my dad is already disappointed with my results, yet he still wants me to go study. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm gonna waste his money because the truth is, I hated studying. So I had to look for school all over again in KL. Still in the process of looking.
I'm feeling so dead and no life right now.
I need a rest from all these but whenever I rest I feel guilty cause I'm not doing anything.
----------------
Next,
I hate my life right now.
I still hate high school.
I don't have any friends. Not that I actually did have any.
If I make any sense.
I'm always the last choice for pairing up work. My friends all have their friends. I'm just a spare tyre.
I'm always the last to know about anything. They are always talking about stuff I don't know with secret codes in front of me. They're always whispering in a corner and laughing and I will be a dummy not knowing what they are talking about and pretend not to mind.
I never celebrated my birthdays. I understand it's always during exam period but I don't know. Maybe singing a happy birthday song for me will make me feel appreciated.
I tried my best trying to join your conversations but I cant. I felt like I was forcing myself into your circle.
I dont know what is wrong with me. No matter how hard I try I still felt that I don't belong. I'm always the odd one out. The forgotten one unless you need me. The weird one unless the stuff I like started to trend. The dumb one because I'm in the last class. I feel like I'm running after you all trying to join in but in the end getting elbowed out and punched in the face screaming "YOU'RE NOT WANTED" I don't know... I just felt that I'm the girl that tried too hard and at the end of the day gets nothing but hate and disgust.
Now I don't even feel like talking anymore. I feel like deleting everything. Everything I typed.
I know I have been posting a lot of crap posts recently.
I know I have been giving a lot of excuses for not updating this space.
I also know that people still visit my blog everyday.
For that I thank you all.
And I apologize for giving crap posts.
First of all, I'm not lazy. I'm busy. For real.
I know no one is complaining but I feel oblige to blog sometimes.
To keep this space alive.
To keep my readers.
I don't know. I don't even feel like typing these. It's long crap. I don't know who bothers reading these words cause most people tend to scroll down and ignore these words and go straight to pictures.
Secondly, I haven't been going out. All I do was to stay at home. Checking for schools. Emailing. Contacting schools. Camping on NYP, NP and SP's website. Calculating budgets.
----------------------
(This content isn't really fitting into my title anymore but I cannot be bothered to think of another title.)
Yes, I'm gonna rant again.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait, I don't even know how to start or where to start...
I'm .. I'm .. I'm stuck with this word for so long. I don't even know what I feel now.
Tired? Upset? Disappointed? Complicated? Lost?
I think I feel lost. I don't know where to go. I used to be so sure. I was so sure I will be able to enter SME and become a trainee. I was so sure I will get into SIM and study business. I was so sure I will get into poly and study mass comm. I was so sure I will get into Lasalle and study product design. But right now. I don't know. I really don't.
My results was one of the reasons I've been feeling depressed. I knew I wasn't great at studies. I knew I wouldn't get more than 5 As because even during normal exams, I only got 1 or 2 A(s). That was why I only targeted for 3As. But I never even got 3As. Yes, I only got 2As. 1A+ for English and 1A for Mathematics. Go ahead. Go ahead and be shocked. Go ahead and laugh. Go ahead and think: omg qw I thought you study in SSI should be quite smart? How come only 2A? Don't lie la. Huh? 2 only? I thought your studies quite good one? Eh SSI leh, don't lie la, only 2As.
YES. 1A+1A2B+2B3C. OK, HAPPY???
Please, I NEVER claimed to be smart or my studies were good. I have always always told you all, not all SSI students are smart. Why you all don't believe? Why must you all be like this? Dah lah I'm already upset that I never even got 3As then you all just HAVE TO say such things. Also, what are my results got anything to do with you or not? HUH? Why so kepoh? Kepoh already still be so mean and say such things. You think I like it is it? You think I don't feel embarrassed enough? I already felt bad for getting such results. I feel like I failed my parents and school.
Yes, I was never good at science subjects or history. I already said this so many times I don't understand why there are still people who would think I am good in these subjects. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO ASSUMES.
Actually I don't know why am I even telling you all these. I don't think you guys can understand how I felt.
---------------------
I have been looking for schools since I decided to take design courses.
I've been searching for the course I am interested in. Asking people for their opinions. Hearing 'advice' from people who 'knows better' that would pour wet blanket on me for choosing design. "You science student leh, why you take design?" or "you can draw one meh?" Then they will start telling me about design students who graduated and cannot find any jobs and in the end also became clerk or promoter or whatever jobs that has nothing to do with design.
But I didn't care. Cause if I become success, they are nothing to me and I could even say "PAH, IN. YOUR. FACE. Look who has a nice job that she loves now?"
So I went along and applied to enter Lasalle and NP, NYP & SP just in case.
Then we realized we had a problem.
The fees are waaaaaay too high without TG. And TG ain't easy to get, for international students.
I see my daddy struggle for the fees and I feel damn bad.
I'm not a studying type and yet he wants me to study.
I wanted Lasalle and he has to find ways to get money for me.
Lemme rephrase and tell the story properly. (a lot of 'thens')
At first I didn't know what to study and my dad told me to study SPTM or A LEVELS. But I didn't want to because I hate studying. Then he suggested business, since I'm still unsure of what I want to be. Then I realized that if I were to study about business, I would have to study about accounting too, which I hate to the core because balancing the numbers always makes me feel like I'm gonna puke. SO, I refused and said I don't want it. Then my mother suggested mass communications because it has some links to working with tv producing stuff like being a producer or even an artiste. Everyone was fine with this except my dad who was unsure of this and still hopes me me to study business. My sisters even helped me to look for schools in singapore and explained what I needed to find out about to apply. I went for edu fairs and search for allll the schools in Malaysia that has mass comm. Then discussed with my sisters, which school is the best. Then, I realized that being a mass comm students require me to be more outspoken and talk to a lot of strangers which is a really hard task for me. I cannot. I simply cannot talk to strangers. I don't care if the situation is awkward or not. No, just don't talk to me. You ask a question, I reply your question and say no more. For example, "Hey, the weather is nice isn't it? It's a nice day to swim right? Do you like swimming?" ME: "No, I cant swim." "Oh, you should learn, in case of emergency." ME: "Ok" conversation ends. Well, I don't know. I just dont feel comfortable if some strangers try to be chummy with me. I feel disgusted. Maybe that why I don't have much friends. Maybe they feel like I am too proud to be their friends. Ok I'm side tracking to the next topic. SO. When I decided to study design, my dad wasn't really keen on it and told me my life would be really tough after I graduated and I will have not enough money and all those negative stuff. So I sorta forget about the idea and decided maybe I don't wanna go to college anymore. I wanna take up make up/hair/manicure courses and then just work. I went to evouge and some other manicure shops and asked about the course fees. I told my dad about it and I think he objected strongly saying I must go to a college (is it really THAT important?). But I think this decision kinda affected him because eventually he told me I would study anything I want, mass comm or business or design. As long as I get a diploma. So thats the story of how I got to study design.
The rant doesn't end here. It only started.
I had to check all the schools that has design courses, my 1st, 2nd, 3rd choice of course, check out the fees and TG, bank loans, how to pay, when to pay, interest rate, living fees, accommodation fees, traveling fees.
You may think its easy but trust me it's not. Because these stupid schools love to play hide and seek with me. They don't display everything, you have to google and google and google for an answer : online application form. FUCKING HARD TO FIND I TELL YOU. TMD. They don't put it in the website, I forgotten how by now but it's all quite complicated and troublesome I got so mad I wanted to call them and scold them.
Also, I didn't know which bank to find, they are not replying my emails. I don't know what are they doing. AND I FUCKING HATE PHONE CALLS CAUSE ITS MAD AWKWARD. I get tongue tied whenever I speak on the phone. Which is why I never order food delivery if my parents are not with me. I never call taxi as well, I rather walk and look for one.
After getting all the answers, we realized we don't have enough money. I know my dad is already disappointed with my results, yet he still wants me to go study. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm gonna waste his money because the truth is, I hated studying. So I had to look for school all over again in KL. Still in the process of looking.
I'm feeling so dead and no life right now.
I need a rest from all these but whenever I rest I feel guilty cause I'm not doing anything.
----------------
Next,
I hate my life right now.
I still hate high school.
I don't have any friends. Not that I actually did have any.
If I make any sense.
I'm always the last choice for pairing up work. My friends all have their friends. I'm just a spare tyre.
I'm always the last to know about anything. They are always talking about stuff I don't know with secret codes in front of me. They're always whispering in a corner and laughing and I will be a dummy not knowing what they are talking about and pretend not to mind.
I never celebrated my birthdays. I understand it's always during exam period but I don't know. Maybe singing a happy birthday song for me will make me feel appreciated.
I tried my best trying to join your conversations but I cant. I felt like I was forcing myself into your circle.
I dont know what is wrong with me. No matter how hard I try I still felt that I don't belong. I'm always the odd one out. The forgotten one unless you need me. The weird one unless the stuff I like started to trend. The dumb one because I'm in the last class. I feel like I'm running after you all trying to join in but in the end getting elbowed out and punched in the face screaming "YOU'RE NOT WANTED" I don't know... I just felt that I'm the girl that tried too hard and at the end of the day gets nothing but hate and disgust.
Now I don't even feel like talking anymore. I feel like deleting everything. Everything I typed.
Mar 30, 2013
Mess
I have so much on my mind right now idk where to start or how to start.
I think I will seperate them in different posts.
But first of all, I wanna know what are your opinions about sex before marriage?
Yes or No?
xx.
brb.
Mar 22, 2013
SPM
HI. You all must be wondering how I did for SPM. I can only say it's not very satisfying.
Nope, I'm not sad. Just a wee bit disappointed. But it's okay. At least I passed & the results are all better than my trial exam results. Also, I have A+ (;
One must learn to be contented. Nothing can be changed. I can only accept the fact.
Anyway has been really busy these few days. I finally sent out all the application for the polytechnics. For your information, I am taking Product design. If you don't already know. What is product design about? Basically, the name said it all. Design products LOL. Go google it if you wanna know more k.
Just a short update because my Microsoft Words crashed & I'm waiting for it to recover...
Oh btw, my portfolios are all done.
Nope, not gonna show cause I'm lazy to watermark/take photos of them.
CBC WMM Camp next week! Might schedule some posts if I am free to do so before I go. Might post using my phone if I can connection & time.
Lastly, congratulations to SSI (my school, yay) for getting sekolah terbaik (best school) again for SPM. Congratulations to everyone who got the results they wanted or more than they expected. For those who are disappointed like I am, don't worry, SPM is not everything. All the best for my juniors ya, hahahahahahaha *evil laughter* (you all know what I mean)
ADIOS!
Mar 16, 2013
Show The Love, Before It's Too Late.
Hello readers, I would like y'all to read this story. A true story of this woman who survived cancer.
Becoming a Mother and the Lessons of Cancer
I never saw it coming, and you are rarely given any sort of warning. In August 2005, I was elated to be a first-time mother at 36. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that my husband and I named Lily. It could not have been a more precious moment than holding her side-by-side with him. It felt like my family was finally complete.
I went back to work after a month from when Lily was born. It was a full-time job being a new mother and taking on responsibilities at work. I could feel something was different about my health. I didn't feel well. I didn't have any energy, and while that may be indicative of a new mother, it really seemed like no matter what I did, I was constantly exhausted and losing tons of weight. In fact, I was losing close to seven pounds a week. I really thought that something else had to be going on besides the fact that I was a new mother. Unfortunately we had no idea just how serious it was.I went to the doctor and had a lot of tests done and just three months after Lily's birth, I found out that I had malignant pleural mesothelioma. I just couldn't believe it was inside me. Mesothelioma is an extremely rare but deadly form of cancer that affects the lining of the lungs. This kind of cancers only known cause is asbestos exposure, which I had gotten as a child without realizing it. I only had 15 months to live without treatment. It completely devastated me at the time. Lily and my husband were all I could think about.
We had to make the right decision about treatment. I knew that I needed extreme treatment, something drastic to get rid of this cancer. We traveled from Minnesota to Boston to see a leading specialist in mesothelioma and on February 2, 2006 I underwent an extrapleural pneumonectomy surgery. I was saved by one of the best mesothelioma doctors. The procedure involved removing the cancerous lung as well as parts of the chest lining, half the diaphragm and even some of the lining around my heart. After surgery I stayed in the hospital for 18 days, and then after another 2 months of recovery I began chemotherapy and radiation. I was also trying to be the best mother and wife that I could be during this situation but it was rough.I missed quite a few things while I was sick, but thankfully my parents and husband were there for me. My parents were especially there to help us during our time of need. Friends also came through. As terrible as the cancer was, it really brought my family together and taught me something about the nature of tragedies. They can be terrifying, but it's also about pulling together and bringing new life into yourself and into others. I'll never forget the kindness of others as I went through my own journey with cancer.
From what I believe, everyone has cancer cells in their bodies. It only depends on the amount & if the brain is able to detect them or not. That's why everyone must be careful of their lifestyle especially those who have family members that had them cause from what I know. It's heritage.. We must all be careful of what we eat & do. Exercise, eat healthy & do not smoke or do drugs. That is the key to health.
I wish everyone a good health & hope this story encouraged those people who have cancer/have family members/know anyone who has cancer to be strong because there is still hope to get cured.
Also, for those healthy people. Cherish your family members because we don't know what will happen next. Today they might be here, but if you're unlucky, they might not be here tomorrow.
I wish everyone a good health & hope this story encouraged those people who have cancer/have family members/know anyone who has cancer to be strong because there is still hope to get cured.
Also, for those healthy people. Cherish your family members because we don't know what will happen next. Today they might be here, but if you're unlucky, they might not be here tomorrow.
Let's all make an awareness on the importance of supporting these people & their friends and families.
CHEERS.
Mar 8, 2013
My Life
Yes, the part 2 of my rants.
Whoever that saw my emotional / want-to-die twitter, stop asking me already.
Here is the full version of everything.
1. Preparation for college.
(The main problem)
Everyone. Literally everyone. Cannot stop asking me how is my preparation for my future. It's all different people so I must repeat myself again & again & again & again. I think I have repeated for 100 times this year. Especially to uncles & aunties (parents' friends or friends' parents). Then some of my friends that are older than me are also asking me. Examples of questions they ask, my answers & what do I think when answering. So in the future if anyone wants to ask me about this, I will ask them to read this post. Thanks.
1. What are my plans for the future?
Study, then work. LOL
I wanna get married to a rich old bachelor & get all his money when he die & then marry the person I love & live happily ever after with our kids & butcher & 10 maids.
2. Why am I not studying?
Waiting for SPM results
Why are you rushing me? I want to enjoy myself for 6 months can? -.-
3. Do I plan to continue studying?
Of course!
Nahhhh, I wanna go be a kpop star.
4. Which course am I taking?
First choice is product design. Second is baking.
Dance/Theaters/Modelling/Air Stewardess. Parents dont let only ):
5. Where am I going?
Singapore
Korea/Japan.
6. Which college am I entering?
Lasalle, hopefully. If cannot then NAFA lor, still cannot then SP. If baking then Shatec only.
I study which college has anything to do with you ah?
7. Studying for how long?
3 years for diploma
Walao why you so kepoh
8. What is the studying cost?
23k SGD???
I dunno la, you wanna sponsor?
9. Do I plan to go in & out of SG everyday?
Yes. Cheaper.
HELL NO LA NOT TIRED MEH WTF but no money what to do? -.-
10. Will I be applying for TG?
Yes.
DUH, if not you sponsor???
11. Am I able to get TG?
Hopefully.
MANA I TAU ASK MOE LA
12. What if I can't get this course?
Study interior design ba.
Then I got very good excuse to take the dance diploma heehee
13. Do I have a back up plan if I cant get into Singapore's colleges?
Go to Sunway JB or find school in KL lor.
WALAO DONT CURSE ME SIA.
14. Have I started preparing?
Yeap.
.... until I wanna die & go crazy already.
15. What have I prepared?
Not much leh.
Why? You wanna help me is it?
16. When is the interview?
After April...? About that time I guess.
Why are you even asking about this? -.-
17. Are you ready?
I guess?
HELL NO
Okay. Something like that.. I don't understand why they have so many questions to ask! How much is the fee also want to know. You want to pay for me is it??? Ya la ya la I know I sound very mean in my brain but hor, imagine repeating your answers for idk how many times. Seriously annoying you know. Why they must know! Why so kepoh. Ya la you care. Care about your own kids la. They might be even clueless than me. wtf. Thank you for concerning ah but please stop asking me. I'm very pissed off already cause after answering all the question confirm 100% plus chop they will say.
"Ok, all the best yah. Do your parents proud & work hard. Prepare well for your interview then can get TG alrdy."
YES YES YES I GET THAT ALREADY!
There's no need for you to tell me all those.
I'm not dumb enough to want to fail my interview or not get that TG
And I want to do my parents proud more than anything else.
You say that meaning I have never tried or what? Thats why you have to tell me to do so?
MA DE.
~ ~ ~
Nope. I am not done about this topic yet. I have already applied for Lasalle's product design for diploma. BUT my mom very kan cheong. Now she ask me to apply for all the polytechniques in SG & NAFA (&Shatec). Ok, fine. More work. But you know what? Looking for that freaking application form is NOT EASY!!! I have no idea why must they say "you can enroll online" but there are no freaking "application form" FTS. Why are you making this so hard for international students? Just put a link on "steps to enroll" lah! Then, don't need a freaking ID to see that stupid form. I only want that form, I don't want to sign up for your school's ID wtf. I'm not even 100% I can be your student! Ugh.
So now. For all the colleges, I need to google for it, ie: "NAFA online application form" then 3216275387239 links will come out & nope, it's definitely not the first few links. It's always gonna be full of unrelated links to stupid websites & when you finally found it, HAHAHA PLEASE INSERT YOUR ID & PASSWORD TO ENTER.
FTS.
2. Driving.
Driving is driving me crazy. I really don't like how my instructor does stuff. 1st, he never told me that I need to bring a photo along during my theory lesson so he can make my L license. 2nd, he told me I could learn driving last Wednesday & I asked if I need to pass my photo to him on that day? Can I still learn driving on that day? He said yes. 3rd, when he came on Wednesday he told me I couldn't learn how to drive because my L license is not done yet. I have to pass him that photo to put into the license. 4th, he said he'll call me to tell me when the license is done then I can learn how to drive. 5th, it's been a week. He hasn't called me yet.
Ok, I'm aware I could have called him myself to ask but I was really busy & I didn't have time to go to learn driving so it's okay. But he should at least call me to tell me if the license is done or not.
Ugh. My mom asked me once every few days when am I going to complete my driving lessons so that I can quickly drive (as in getting a driving license in a shorter time, not speed, in case someone don't get it). I don't know. I'm not really really interested in driving but since my parents are so enthusiastic about this, I figured I might as well do it but they don't get it that I wanna do it slowly & not rush everything.. Ahhhh, I don't even know why am I bothered by this. But it just does.
3. Church kids department training camp & high praise.
I'm in charge of the actions. In case you all don't know. My church has many different departments & I'm in the kids (I know, I know, I'm just stuck) department. Basically my whole family is in the kids department so there's no running away especially when le mom is the co-head.
So, high praise (basically you can call it a concert for kids to praise God) is coming soon & we're all busy preparing for it. As I said, I am in charge of the actions so common sense (?) Kids are full of energy so of course their songs must have actions. & yeah. The responsibility to think of the actions fell on me. I have a few songs to think of & heck no. They are not easy to think because it just like thinking of dance choreographs. For kids. So it cant be too hard because it's not a performance. Ahhh, why am I even explaining. I'm sure many of you don't understand this.
So, the summary is. I have to think of many songs actions & my brain is exploding because Youtube is not helping me.
4. Him.
It's simple. We quarreled. And patched up. And quarreled again. And patch up. And quarreled.
Please. Don't ask what because it's too personal.
5. I'm busy.
I'm just busy. I don't know with what. I just felt that I am really busy but I'm not really doing anything. But I'm too busy to even watch Running Man or stretch or train my abs.
6. I'm tired.
So thats all for now. Explainations accepted? No? GTFO & GFY. Thanks. The baby is crying again. I'm going bonkers soon.
Whoever that saw my emotional / want-to-die twitter, stop asking me already.
Here is the full version of everything.
1. Preparation for college.
(The main problem)
Everyone. Literally everyone. Cannot stop asking me how is my preparation for my future. It's all different people so I must repeat myself again & again & again & again. I think I have repeated for 100 times this year. Especially to uncles & aunties (parents' friends or friends' parents). Then some of my friends that are older than me are also asking me. Examples of questions they ask, my answers & what do I think when answering. So in the future if anyone wants to ask me about this, I will ask them to read this post. Thanks.
1. What are my plans for the future?
Study, then work. LOL
I wanna get married to a rich old bachelor & get all his money when he die & then marry the person I love & live happily ever after with our kids & butcher & 10 maids.
2. Why am I not studying?
Waiting for SPM results
Why are you rushing me? I want to enjoy myself for 6 months can? -.-
3. Do I plan to continue studying?
Of course!
Nahhhh, I wanna go be a kpop star.
4. Which course am I taking?
First choice is product design. Second is baking.
Dance/Theaters/Modelling/Air Stewardess. Parents dont let only ):
5. Where am I going?
Singapore
Korea/Japan.
6. Which college am I entering?
Lasalle, hopefully. If cannot then NAFA lor, still cannot then SP. If baking then Shatec only.
I study which college has anything to do with you ah?
7. Studying for how long?
3 years for diploma
Walao why you so kepoh
8. What is the studying cost?
23k SGD???
I dunno la, you wanna sponsor?
9. Do I plan to go in & out of SG everyday?
Yes. Cheaper.
HELL NO LA NOT TIRED MEH WTF but no money what to do? -.-
10. Will I be applying for TG?
Yes.
DUH, if not you sponsor???
11. Am I able to get TG?
Hopefully.
MANA I TAU ASK MOE LA
12. What if I can't get this course?
Study interior design ba.
Then I got very good excuse to take the dance diploma heehee
13. Do I have a back up plan if I cant get into Singapore's colleges?
Go to Sunway JB or find school in KL lor.
WALAO DONT CURSE ME SIA.
14. Have I started preparing?
Yeap.
.... until I wanna die & go crazy already.
15. What have I prepared?
Not much leh.
Why? You wanna help me is it?
16. When is the interview?
After April...? About that time I guess.
Why are you even asking about this? -.-
17. Are you ready?
I guess?
HELL NO
Okay. Something like that.. I don't understand why they have so many questions to ask! How much is the fee also want to know. You want to pay for me is it??? Ya la ya la I know I sound very mean in my brain but hor, imagine repeating your answers for idk how many times. Seriously annoying you know. Why they must know! Why so kepoh. Ya la you care. Care about your own kids la. They might be even clueless than me. wtf. Thank you for concerning ah but please stop asking me. I'm very pissed off already cause after answering all the question confirm 100% plus chop they will say.
"Ok, all the best yah. Do your parents proud & work hard. Prepare well for your interview then can get TG alrdy."
YES YES YES I GET THAT ALREADY!
There's no need for you to tell me all those.
I'm not dumb enough to want to fail my interview or not get that TG
And I want to do my parents proud more than anything else.
You say that meaning I have never tried or what? Thats why you have to tell me to do so?
MA DE.
~ ~ ~
Nope. I am not done about this topic yet. I have already applied for Lasalle's product design for diploma. BUT my mom very kan cheong. Now she ask me to apply for all the polytechniques in SG & NAFA (&Shatec). Ok, fine. More work. But you know what? Looking for that freaking application form is NOT EASY!!! I have no idea why must they say "you can enroll online" but there are no freaking "application form" FTS. Why are you making this so hard for international students? Just put a link on "steps to enroll" lah! Then, don't need a freaking ID to see that stupid form. I only want that form, I don't want to sign up for your school's ID wtf. I'm not even 100% I can be your student! Ugh.
So now. For all the colleges, I need to google for it, ie: "NAFA online application form" then 3216275387239 links will come out & nope, it's definitely not the first few links. It's always gonna be full of unrelated links to stupid websites & when you finally found it, HAHAHA PLEASE INSERT YOUR ID & PASSWORD TO ENTER.
FTS.
2. Driving.
Driving is driving me crazy. I really don't like how my instructor does stuff. 1st, he never told me that I need to bring a photo along during my theory lesson so he can make my L license. 2nd, he told me I could learn driving last Wednesday & I asked if I need to pass my photo to him on that day? Can I still learn driving on that day? He said yes. 3rd, when he came on Wednesday he told me I couldn't learn how to drive because my L license is not done yet. I have to pass him that photo to put into the license. 4th, he said he'll call me to tell me when the license is done then I can learn how to drive. 5th, it's been a week. He hasn't called me yet.
Ok, I'm aware I could have called him myself to ask but I was really busy & I didn't have time to go to learn driving so it's okay. But he should at least call me to tell me if the license is done or not.
Ugh. My mom asked me once every few days when am I going to complete my driving lessons so that I can quickly drive (as in getting a driving license in a shorter time, not speed, in case someone don't get it). I don't know. I'm not really really interested in driving but since my parents are so enthusiastic about this, I figured I might as well do it but they don't get it that I wanna do it slowly & not rush everything.. Ahhhh, I don't even know why am I bothered by this. But it just does.
3. Church kids department training camp & high praise.
I'm in charge of the actions. In case you all don't know. My church has many different departments & I'm in the kids (I know, I know, I'm just stuck) department. Basically my whole family is in the kids department so there's no running away especially when le mom is the co-head.
So, high praise (basically you can call it a concert for kids to praise God) is coming soon & we're all busy preparing for it. As I said, I am in charge of the actions so common sense (?) Kids are full of energy so of course their songs must have actions. & yeah. The responsibility to think of the actions fell on me. I have a few songs to think of & heck no. They are not easy to think because it just like thinking of dance choreographs. For kids. So it cant be too hard because it's not a performance. Ahhh, why am I even explaining. I'm sure many of you don't understand this.
So, the summary is. I have to think of many songs actions & my brain is exploding because Youtube is not helping me.
4. Him.
It's simple. We quarreled. And patched up. And quarreled again. And patch up. And quarreled.
Please. Don't ask what because it's too personal.
5. I'm busy.
I'm just busy. I don't know with what. I just felt that I am really busy but I'm not really doing anything. But I'm too busy to even watch Running Man or stretch or train my abs.
6. I'm tired.
So thats all for now. Explainations accepted? No? GTFO & GFY. Thanks. The baby is crying again. I'm going bonkers soon.
Mar 7, 2013
Rant
Not all thing seems perfect as how it seems to be.
Believe it or not.
I'm the most fucked up person right now.
What happened?
I'm sick & tired of everything I'm going through right now.
That's what happened.
Remember me saying I've been busy for the past few weeks?
Its true. It's not an excuse to not blog.
As a starter, I don't like kids.
No, I don't like noisy kids.
In fact, I detest them.
I cannot stand their noise or super loud laughter or screaming.
I cannot stand noise.
It gives me a huge headache & I instantly gets irritated easily whenever I heard people being noisy, especially kids (maybe because of their high pitch voices).
Now.
Imagine, having 2 BABIES yelling their heads off at absolutely nothing everyday.
From morning till evening.
Don't you get a headache?
Now imagine, (I'm really testing your imaginations right now)
Having a baby with a louder voice screaming his head off & crying for 4 days.
From morning since you woke up until 10pm he went to sleep.
Aren't you gonna get annoyed & fustrated?
If you say no, I salute you.
You must either have a high tolerance for noise or you're a very good tempered person or you are just plain deaf.
If you say yes, congrats.
You are now officially in the anti-crying-babies-and-noisy-kids group with me.
& yeah, high 5 for that!
OKAY.
Now back to the main topic.
I fully understand that babies cry for everything because they can't speak.
They can only shout or cry when they want/need something.
But what I CANNOT stand is.
THEY FUCKING SCREAM FOR ATTENTION/FOR NOTHING.
Why would I say nothing?
1. They scream, you carry them, they continue screaming. (and pulling your hair as well)
2. They scream, you feed them, they refuse to eat/puke out the food.
3. They scream, you talk to them, they reduce their voices to shouting.
4. They scream, you check for poop, nope, nothing at all.
5. They scream, you check for bruises, also nothing at all.
SO, dear tiny-supposed-to-be-cute-babies,
What do you want from us?????
BABY: I want you to carry me & talk to me & walk around. Nope, you are not allowed to sit down while carrying me cause you'd be sitting on my ass. Oh ya, give me that food you're eating *grabs* No? What do you mean no? *screams* ARE YOU NOT GONNA GIVE ME THAT?!!! Seriously? I shall pull your hair then. NO YOU BIG PERSON. Don't you dare put me down. I'll yell me head off. You shall carry me & walk around & talk to me. What? Are you ignoring me? Ok, ok. Here goes......
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got your attention? Good.
NOW CARRY ME.
Seriously? DEFUG.
Their screams & cries are not what annoys me the most.
You know what annoys me the most?
YOU CANT FUCKING SMACK THEIR ASSES/PUNCH THEM IN THEIR FACES TO SHUT THEM UP.
You can't even scold them.
The thing is, you cant do anything except giving them LOVE, ATTENTION & PATIENCE.
If babies could understand me/I can scold them, you know what I'll tell them?
I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind & tell them what I think.
ME: Shut up you immature little thing. You do nothing all day except play around & sleep & eat & peep & poop. You don't have any homework, tuitions, assignments, housework... You don't even have to think. You don't need to do a single thing. You have no stress at all. Why are you screaming & crying? Why are you torturing the adults with it? Don't you think you can get away with they silly ridiculously adorable face with everything. Please, spare a though for your parent who need to work & are stress about life. Teenagers who are under the stress of school stuff & their socially awkward lives (some). Please, just stop the noise & be a good kid. Please. Stop that noise pollution. Cry and scream only when you really need to.
END OF RANT.
(Who am I kidding, I have so much to rant at I need another blog post or else this would be too long.)
I cant believe I made a post ranting about babies that cry too loud & too much.
-
PS:
Mom, I know you are reading this. I'm not allowed to complain to you about this cause I understand it's your job to take care of these kids. Right now, I'm only venting on my own space. I'm stressed & him screaming is making my mood worse. You know how loud is his screaming.
*verge of tears and close to tearing all my hair out & sticking them back cause I don't wanna be bald*
Believe it or not.
I'm the most fucked up person right now.
What happened?
I'm sick & tired of everything I'm going through right now.
That's what happened.
Remember me saying I've been busy for the past few weeks?
Its true. It's not an excuse to not blog.
As a starter, I don't like kids.
No, I don't like noisy kids.
In fact, I detest them.
I cannot stand their noise or super loud laughter or screaming.
It gives me a huge headache & I instantly gets irritated easily whenever I heard people being noisy, especially kids (maybe because of their high pitch voices).
Now.
Imagine, having 2 BABIES yelling their heads off at absolutely nothing everyday.
From morning till evening.
Don't you get a headache?
Now imagine, (I'm really testing your imaginations right now)
Having a baby with a louder voice screaming his head off & crying for 4 days.
From morning since you woke up until 10pm he went to sleep.
Aren't you gonna get annoyed & fustrated?
If you say no, I salute you.
You must either have a high tolerance for noise or you're a very good tempered person or you are just plain deaf.
If you say yes, congrats.
You are now officially in the anti-crying-babies-and-noisy-kids group with me.
& yeah, high 5 for that!
OKAY.
Now back to the main topic.
I fully understand that babies cry for everything because they can't speak.
They can only shout or cry when they want/need something.
But what I CANNOT stand is.
THEY FUCKING SCREAM FOR ATTENTION/FOR NOTHING.
Why would I say nothing?
1. They scream, you carry them, they continue screaming. (and pulling your hair as well)
2. They scream, you feed them, they refuse to eat/puke out the food.
3. They scream, you talk to them, they reduce their voices to shouting.
4. They scream, you check for poop, nope, nothing at all.
5. They scream, you check for bruises, also nothing at all.
SO, dear tiny-supposed-to-be-cute-babies,
What do you want from us?????
BABY: I want you to carry me & talk to me & walk around. Nope, you are not allowed to sit down while carrying me cause you'd be sitting on my ass. Oh ya, give me that food you're eating *grabs* No? What do you mean no? *screams* ARE YOU NOT GONNA GIVE ME THAT?!!! Seriously? I shall pull your hair then. NO YOU BIG PERSON. Don't you dare put me down. I'll yell me head off. You shall carry me & walk around & talk to me. What? Are you ignoring me? Ok, ok. Here goes......
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got your attention? Good.
NOW CARRY ME.
Seriously? DEFUG.
Their screams & cries are not what annoys me the most.
You know what annoys me the most?
YOU CANT FUCKING SMACK THEIR ASSES/PUNCH THEM IN THEIR FACES TO SHUT THEM UP.
You can't even scold them.
The thing is, you cant do anything except giving them LOVE, ATTENTION & PATIENCE.
If babies could understand me/I can scold them, you know what I'll tell them?
I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind & tell them what I think.
ME: Shut up you immature little thing. You do nothing all day except play around & sleep & eat & peep & poop. You don't have any homework, tuitions, assignments, housework... You don't even have to think. You don't need to do a single thing. You have no stress at all. Why are you screaming & crying? Why are you torturing the adults with it? Don't you think you can get away with they silly ridiculously adorable face with everything. Please, spare a though for your parent who need to work & are stress about life. Teenagers who are under the stress of school stuff & their socially awkward lives (some). Please, just stop the noise & be a good kid. Please. Stop that noise pollution. Cry and scream only when you really need to.
(Who am I kidding, I have so much to rant at I need another blog post or else this would be too long.)
I cant believe I made a post ranting about babies that cry too loud & too much.
-
PS:
Mom, I know you are reading this. I'm not allowed to complain to you about this cause I understand it's your job to take care of these kids. Right now, I'm only venting on my own space. I'm stressed & him screaming is making my mood worse. You know how loud is his screaming.
*verge of tears and close to tearing all my hair out & sticking them back cause I don't wanna be bald*
that xx
OLD PHOTO.
Follow me on IG & Twitter lah.
@felindabling
Ask me stuff on formspring/ask.fm
@felindabling
xx.
Feb 19, 2013
Guilt
Ok lah, I blog okay. I'm still alive.
But I'm having a headache now after watching useless videos on youtube for the whole afternoon.
I'll blog tomorrow.
But I'm having a headache now after watching useless videos on youtube for the whole afternoon.
I'll blog tomorrow.
Preview of chor yat.
bye
Feb 11, 2013
Happy Chinese New Year!
and err, my close up hair hahahaha.
It's the 1st day of CNY!
Happy CNY to all chinese readers of mine.
I pray that your year would be full of love, hope, money & good health!
Thanks for reading my blog,
HUAT AH!!!
Dec 31, 2012
Night
hello everybody.
I iz very very bored.
So, I'm here to blog. I don't even know what I want to blog about. So yeah, it's just gonna be me, ranting & blabbering. If you all are very bored like me then you all read bah. If not, I suggest you all to skip this post cause really is crap post...
WHAT?
You're still here? Ok lor, since you all want to read then read bah. Also lah, you can go & get some drink to drink while reading this cause thats what I am doing now. The weather is very very strawberry terrible vegetable potato ahh. Must drink a lot of water & don't get sick okay! especially when now school is reopening soon *laughs at all students* ok lah kidding. I wish I'm going back to school. I'm so damn bored now. Everyday nothing to do. Ya la I know you all are judging me now.
*you lazy piece of shit, Y U NO GO FIND WORK TO DO!!!!!*
yes yes, i heard that...
I'll do that soon. I promise. But then I won be updating this much ok! Don't blame me hor. I am not full time blogger here. I don't blog for a living (yet) I blog for your entertainment!
ok la, fine. i blog for my entertainment. really, i dont know what to work! maybe i should go to a parlor & be the odd job girl or become a waitress or salesgirl or beer girl. CY told me about a job that sells beer in shopping centers & they earn rm60 per day. sounds not bad hahaha ok la, think about it only. thinkkkkk.
i am currenly chatting with people on facebook & megan and I are talking about ... apparently.. *ahem* my kid. hahahah my kid shall be an eurasian kthxbye. kinda bored of blogging & is a bit busy chatting now.
yeah, i just left you hanging. boo ya :p
Dec 2, 2012
December
Hi everyone, I haven't been posting for so long! but thank you for sticking with me ^^
Short post today cause I haven't finish getting all the stuff I need for posts (ie: the photos!!!)
Mini updates:
- SPM is over
- I dyed my hair
- I painted my nails
- I played with the helium balloon & videod my voice
- I got a instax mini 7s
- I almost finished watching the latest running man episodes
- CY's birthday surprise was a success, thanks to everyone involved (:
Things yet to do:
- Go to Hello Kitty Town
- Go to KL
- Go to Singapore
- Watch movies
- Primary school class gathering
- Tidy up my room
- Clear the books
Well, procrastinator is procrastinating.
Tick tock tick tock, time is running!
Will be back soon with proper post!
Lub you all
XOXO
Nov 12, 2012
I've Got Ze Giggling Pants!
Well, apparently I have ran out of topics to talk about so here's Jenna Marbles to entertain you (;
She's a really funny person but err, not suitable for minors because of her language. I don't want to get blamed for introducing her to you all. Just in case you all start talking like her :x
One of the many videos that I find its funniest : What do girls do on the car
Another : What boys do in cars
Last : What girls do on the internet
Seriously, I think she is the funniest person I know on youtube and I love her videos! Super funny and real.
I heard that she earns half a million for a year. Just by posting crapp entertaining funny stuff on youtube!
OMG O_O
I think I should just go ahead and become a vlogger / youtuber instead of just a blogger hahahaha.
NAH, I'm kidding! I'm gonna become a famous artist in korea/japan/taiwan. if not, i'll be back to blog.
BTW this is my last scheduled post so please miss me a lot, i'll be back during the deepavali holidays (:
Oct 20, 2012
SOS
OH MY GOD MY DESKTOP JUST DIEDDDDDD... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE DON'T DIE YET D: I STILL GOT A LOT OF PHOTOS INSIDE LEH. AT LEAST LET ME SAVE ALL OF THEM INTO MY PENDRIVES FIRST CAN OR NOT!!!!! WTF WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!?!
T.T
T.T
T.T
T.T
T.T
MAI AN NEH LEH D':
I dont care about the songs. I can re download but all photos gone = memories gone leh!!! LIKE AMNESIA LIKE THAT. NOOOOOO!!!!!! Please please please resurrect leh my dear desktop.
HAIH, I think hor if cannot retrieve them, i can only thank God that i save the pictures to my Taiwan trip & SS4SG pictures to one of my pendrive liao TvT else I think I will die. OHMYHYUKJAE T_______T
UPDATE:
I got all my photos out cause it came back alive & soon after i finish, it died again. Ok, tata computer. Thank you for all these years. I'll miss you.
T.T
T.T
T.T
T.T
T.T
MAI AN NEH LEH D':
I dont care about the songs. I can re download but all photos gone = memories gone leh!!! LIKE AMNESIA LIKE THAT. NOOOOOO!!!!!! Please please please resurrect leh my dear desktop.
HAIH, I think hor if cannot retrieve them, i can only thank God that i save the pictures to my Taiwan trip & SS4SG pictures to one of my pendrive liao TvT else I think I will die. OHMYHYUKJAE T_______T
UPDATE:
I got all my photos out cause it came back alive & soon after i finish, it died again. Ok, tata computer. Thank you for all these years. I'll miss you.
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