Zombie

Before anything else, I've been addicted to this song since last week.

... ... Hang on. It's only 2 more years. After this, you'll get the diploma and be able to do what you like.

That's what they say.
Just 2 years.
ONLY 2 years.
Hang on.
Stay strong.

They say.

Of course, they are not the one going through this process.
They are not the one studying.
They are not the one doing the work.
They only have give sympathy and to say "hang on".

They don't know any shit I'm going through and feeling now.
They don't know how I felt being in this course.
They don't know how tough everything is for me.
They don't know how idiotic I felt whenever I don't understand my work.

Design school isn't as fun as you all think.
It's hell in a pretty package.

They say there is no right or wrong but when you present your work,
"Hmm, I think this is not quite right."
"What the hell are you doing, what is this?"

All the hard work, after you done your work you just want the lecturer to take a look at your work and give some comment whether it is or not close to what they ask for.
Do they? No. They cannot be bothered to look at your work because there are simply too many students and too many work to look at.

I don't know what am I doing. I seriously don't.
And as the perfectionist I am, I would really like to understand what I am doing and make it perfect.
The best way I thought it should be, at least.

But no, starting from Sem2. I have no clue what am I doing the entire time and what is the purpose of it. All except for 3Ds MAX and Autocad. Others, really. WHAT AM I DOING? Ok, model making was still quite acceptable when we were asked to build a model of our own version of 'howl's moving castle', In fact, I liked it.No, I loved it. I love this project. I was able to do things according to my own imagination (I have the wildest, you never know) I could draw anything I like on the 50x50cm idea paper. It was all my own. Mine. My thinking, my ideas, it presented me. Ok, shall not go too far about that for now. Anyway, we were now asked to make an AUTOMATA project for model making. Really? Automata? Isn't that what engineers need to know? Is that really necessary for me to know? Hello? INTERIOR DESIGN. DUDE.

NEVERMIND. Move on to studio work. Which I, too, don't know what is going on. At all.

We were first asked to present our glamour self. To take a full body shot of us in clothing that we think is glamourous, at a place, with a pose that we think is glamourous. In black and white. Then, we were to take a mug shot/selfie of ourselves to represent glamour in our own way. Then to take another glamourous shot at a glamourous place.THEN, make a glamour stage. End. 2nd, flip book. 100 pages of a flip book to be made into a video. In a week, mind you. I made them all in a night because I had too many other work to do other than studio work. You can say it's because of my time management, I will not argue with that. WHAT. I need a social life and sleep too. Lastly. A looooong final project for final year submission was this...

It all started with 72 wooden sticks...

We were told to fix them into 6 cube frames. So some people nailed, some taped, some stapled, some tied. Then we were scolded and told to nail them. (excuse e, you never said it HAD to be nailed, you only said to FIX THEM TOGETHER) Fine, nevermind. Ok, we'll nail them. Then we were told to dismantle them and to join 2 of them together so that we can have 3 pair of cubes, nailed firmly together. So firm they can dance the lion dance with it. After that, we were asked to dismantle them again. To fix all 6 of them together to form interesting spaces in between for a grade. Next, we were to stick stupid butter papers (not the baking ones okay) on them to form a plateform and spaces. SPACES SPACES SPACES. I do not wonder why is he still single at the age of 40. My lecturer, I mean. Then, we were to extract the spaces out to form 10 spaces outside of the cubes with cardboards. Then stick the 10 cardboard spaces into a structure whereas there are no base for it, which means can be turned around and still look fine. Then to make 2 sections drawing for it with autocad in 1:50scale. AND to describe the character given and draw the character out in 1:50scale. IDK what is coming next. I dont wanna think.

Ah, other than that, autocad (which was probably the most useful thing I learnt, i'm not complaining about it being irrelevant). AUTOCAD IS A BITCH. Ok, 3Ds MAX is a bigger bitch. It's so hard and being me, i suck at computer stuff and made a mess and got the lecturer pissed off to the point when he looked at my drawings he told me, "go away, I dont wanna see you anymore." But after that he was fine again and asked me if I am okay. NO I AM NOT OKAY I WANNA QUIT SCHOOL EVERYTHING'S A BITCH.

Ergonomics, I don't understand what is the need for this and also to have a freaking close book test. Typography homework isn't as easy as well. What else, oh yes. COLOUR STUDIES. What is colour studies without colour? You tell me. If you saw the photo I posted on instagram with the caption saying I wanna quit school, yes. That is colour studies. I HATE COLOUR STUDIES. We don't freaking study a shit about colours. It's just about spaces spaces and more spaces. It's all crap and shit.

I'm sorry I'm making such a huge rant over here and messy up my pretty posts. I just can't help it.
I've been bottling everything up inside of me for too long I think I might just burst anytime. I can't stand all these anymore. Every single day I ask myself, why do I bother trying so hard to please the lecturers with my work? My parents don't actually expect me to be the top student and be excellent in my studies, all they ask for it the freaking paper (diploma cert)! So why am I bothering? But me being me, I'm always expecting the best. To do my best. And it really really really bothers me that I cannot do my best because I DONT UNDERSTAND. I'm scared I'm lost I don't know what my future holds. They say pray, but I don't see any changes. I'm .....................................










I don't even know what to say anymore. I cant express myself well. Maybe that's why they thought I can handle all these. 2 more years, they said. 2 more years. Until I am able to do what I'm really interested in. What I really wanted to do but wasn't allowed to because it doesn't give me a stable job. FUCK ALL THIS SHIT. I am not gonna be an interior designer too, when I finished studying. You know that. You knew I wanted to be a make up artist. You told me I could after I graduate. You only wanted that freaking diploma. So why can't I get a diploma in what I like? Fine arts.






It's killing me inside. It really is.I'm turning into a zombie. I don't feel anything. Ok, maybe except for frustration and stupidity.I felt like hiding, running away to somewhere no one could find me. You can call me coward for running away from troubles. But if you were me, maybe you could understand. Maybe.