I know I have been posting a lot of crap posts recently.
I know I have been giving a lot of excuses for not updating this space.
I also know that people still visit my blog everyday.
For that I thank you all.
And I apologize for giving crap posts.
First of all, I'm not lazy. I'm busy. For real.
I know no one is complaining but I feel oblige to blog sometimes.
To keep this space alive.
To keep my readers.
I don't know. I don't even feel like typing these. It's long crap. I don't know who bothers reading these words cause most people tend to scroll down and ignore these words and go straight to pictures.
Secondly, I haven't been going out. All I do was to stay at home. Checking for schools. Emailing. Contacting schools. Camping on NYP, NP and SP's website. Calculating budgets.
(This content isn't really fitting into my title anymore but I cannot be bothered to think of another title.)
Yes, I'm gonna rant again.
Wait, I don't even know how to start or where to start...
I'm .. I'm .. I'm stuck with this word for so long. I don't even know what I feel now.
Tired? Upset? Disappointed? Complicated? Lost?
I think I feel lost. I don't know where to go. I used to be so sure. I was so sure I will be able to enter SME and become a trainee. I was so sure I will get into SIM and study business. I was so sure I will get into poly and study mass comm. I was so sure I will get into Lasalle and study product design. But right now. I don't know. I really don't.
My results was one of the reasons I've been feeling depressed. I knew I wasn't great at studies. I knew I wouldn't get more than 5 As because even during normal exams, I only got 1 or 2 A(s). That was why I only targeted for 3As. But I never even got 3As. Yes, I only got 2As. 1A+ for English and 1A for Mathematics. Go ahead. Go ahead and be shocked. Go ahead and laugh. Go ahead and think: omg qw I thought you study in SSI should be quite smart? How come only 2A? Don't lie la. Huh? 2 only? I thought your studies quite good one? Eh SSI leh, don't lie la, only 2As.
YES. 1A+1A2B+2B3C. OK, HAPPY???
Please, I NEVER claimed to be smart or my studies were good. I have always always told you all, not all SSI students are smart. Why you all don't believe? Why must you all be like this? Dah lah I'm already upset that I never even got 3As then you all just HAVE TO say such things. Also, what are my results got anything to do with you or not? HUH? Why so kepoh? Kepoh already still be so mean and say such things. You think I like it is it? You think I don't feel embarrassed enough? I already felt bad for getting such results. I feel like I failed my parents and school.
Yes, I was never good at science subjects or history. I already said this so many times I don't understand why there are still people who would think I am good in these subjects. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO ASSUMES.
Actually I don't know why am I even telling you all these. I don't think you guys can understand how I felt.
I have been looking for schools since I decided to take design courses.
I've been searching for the course I am interested in. Asking people for their opinions. Hearing 'advice' from people who 'knows better' that would pour wet blanket on me for choosing design. "You science student leh, why you take design?" or "you can draw one meh?" Then they will start telling me about design students who graduated and cannot find any jobs and in the end also became clerk or promoter or whatever jobs that has nothing to do with design.
But I didn't care. Cause if I become success, they are nothing to me and I could even say "PAH, IN. YOUR. FACE. Look who has a nice job that she loves now?"
So I went along and applied to enter Lasalle and NP, NYP & SP just in case.
Then we realized we had a problem.
The fees are waaaaaay too high without TG. And TG ain't easy to get, for international students.
I see my daddy struggle for the fees and I feel damn bad.
I'm not a studying type and yet he wants me to study.
I wanted Lasalle and he has to find ways to get money for me.
Lemme rephrase and tell the story properly. (a lot of 'thens')
At first I didn't know what to study and my dad told me to study SPTM or A LEVELS. But I didn't want to because I hate studying. Then he suggested business, since I'm still unsure of what I want to be. Then I realized that if I were to study about business, I would have to study about accounting too, which I hate to the core because balancing the numbers always makes me feel like I'm gonna puke. SO, I refused and said I don't want it. Then my mother suggested mass communications because it has some links to working with tv producing stuff like being a producer or even an artiste. Everyone was fine with this except my dad who was unsure of this and still hopes me me to study business. My sisters even helped me to look for schools in singapore and explained what I needed to find out about to apply. I went for edu fairs and search for allll the schools in Malaysia that has mass comm. Then discussed with my sisters, which school is the best. Then, I realized that being a mass comm students require me to be more outspoken and talk to a lot of strangers which is a really hard task for me. I cannot. I simply cannot talk to strangers. I don't care if the situation is awkward or not. No, just don't talk to me. You ask a question, I reply your question and say no more. For example, "Hey, the weather is nice isn't it? It's a nice day to swim right? Do you like swimming?" ME: "No, I cant swim." "Oh, you should learn, in case of emergency." ME: "Ok" conversation ends. Well, I don't know. I just dont feel comfortable if some strangers try to be chummy with me. I feel disgusted. Maybe that why I don't have much friends. Maybe they feel like I am too proud to be their friends. Ok I'm side tracking to the next topic. SO. When I decided to study design, my dad wasn't really keen on it and told me my life would be really tough after I graduated and I will have not enough money and all those negative stuff. So I sorta forget about the idea and decided maybe I don't wanna go to college anymore. I wanna take up make up/hair/manicure courses and then just work. I went to evouge and some other manicure shops and asked about the course fees. I told my dad about it and I think he objected strongly saying I must go to a college (is it really THAT important?). But I think this decision kinda affected him because eventually he told me I would study anything I want, mass comm or business or design. As long as I get a diploma. So thats the story of how I got to study design.
The rant doesn't end here. It only started.
I had to check all the schools that has design courses, my 1st, 2nd, 3rd choice of course, check out the fees and TG, bank loans, how to pay, when to pay, interest rate, living fees, accommodation fees, traveling fees.
You may think its easy but trust me it's not. Because these stupid schools love to play hide and seek with me. They don't display everything, you have to google and google and google for an answer : online application form. FUCKING HARD TO FIND I TELL YOU. TMD. They don't put it in the website, I forgotten how by now but it's all quite complicated and troublesome I got so mad I wanted to call them and scold them.
Also, I didn't know which bank to find, they are not replying my emails. I don't know what are they doing. AND I FUCKING HATE PHONE CALLS CAUSE ITS MAD AWKWARD. I get tongue tied whenever I speak on the phone. Which is why I never order food delivery if my parents are not with me. I never call taxi as well, I rather walk and look for one.
After getting all the answers, we realized we don't have enough money. I know my dad is already disappointed with my results, yet he still wants me to go study. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm gonna waste his money because the truth is, I hated studying. So I had to look for school all over again in KL. Still in the process of looking.
I'm feeling so dead and no life right now.
I need a rest from all these but whenever I rest I feel guilty cause I'm not doing anything.
I hate my life right now.
I still hate high school.
I don't have any friends. Not that I actually did have any.
If I make any sense.
I'm always the last choice for pairing up work. My friends all have their friends. I'm just a spare tyre.
I'm always the last to know about anything. They are always talking about stuff I don't know with secret codes in front of me. They're always whispering in a corner and laughing and I will be a dummy not knowing what they are talking about and pretend not to mind.
I never celebrated my birthdays. I understand it's always during exam period but I don't know. Maybe singing a happy birthday song for me will make me feel appreciated.
I tried my best trying to join your conversations but I cant. I felt like I was forcing myself into your circle.
I dont know what is wrong with me. No matter how hard I try I still felt that I don't belong. I'm always the odd one out. The forgotten one unless you need me. The weird one unless the stuff I like started to trend. The dumb one because I'm in the last class. I feel like I'm running after you all trying to join in but in the end getting elbowed out and punched in the face screaming "YOU'RE NOT WANTED" I don't know... I just felt that I'm the girl that tried too hard and at the end of the day gets nothing but hate and disgust.
Now I don't even feel like talking anymore. I feel like deleting everything. Everything I typed.